It’s been a while since I’ve written. Instead of taking an entire post to explain why, what I’ve been doing, etc., I figured I’d not waste time and just jump right into what’s on my mind at the moment.
I’m back home again. With my family. It’s not perfect here, but they’re family. The difficulty this trip is learning how to take full responsibility for my decisions, even if the consequences are gnarly as hell.
Let me explain.
A couple things have transpired since I last wrote. First, I got engaged! Second, I found out I am paying for my entire wedding myself (wth some help from my wonderful fiancé’s family, which they are so amazing for doing!). Third, I decided I am going to try and pursue a Master’s degree in seminary. Fourth…I think Portland is my home.
My first summer in college, I decided not to go home that summer. Hindsight tells me I should have, but hey, what’s done is done. Ever since then, I have not gone home for any summer, and my family low-key resents that fact. There are a couple other decisions I have made that they are not super fond of, but the bottom line is that these decisions are not wrong, nor are they harmful. They’re simply decisions that concern my life.
When they get upset that I have made these decisions, I have not handled myself well. It’s really hard for me to just allow people to say what they think about my decisions because they do not exactly line up with what they would want. I have been making a lot of grown-up decisions that just don’t sit well with certain people. (Those people are the minority in my life, but nevertheless, they’re there.) In turn, I get a lot of flack. I think they need to understand that I am allowed to make these decisions, and am not messing up my life because of it. It’s not fair that I have to listen to people tell me how bad my decisions are simply because they don’t line up with someone else’s idea of a good life. They should be more respectful of my decisions, because gosh darnit, they’re not bad decisions!
But I realized that by not taking full responsibility for my actions by allowing people to respond however they want to (and just taking the flack because I know what is best for my life), I am doing exactly what they are doing. I want them to do something the way I want it to be done (even if it is simply responding to my situational decisions), just like they want me to make my decisions according to what they want.
Does it make any of this easier? No. Do I still struggle with how people constantly want things done their way, even if it’s not their lives? Yes.
But family is family.
People are people.
All I can do is hope and pray for us to stop trying to make other people’s lives fit our mold and instead love people through their decisions. Each situation is case by case. Don’t forget that.
Oh, and let’s not judge whether or not it’s a good decision based on how it fits in our way of life.